Wednesday, November 14, 2007

Empty

That feeling of emptiness is back.

At first I thought I was plain lazy.

But when I could not even find the enthusiasm to blog about my China trip, nor my eagerness to complete my photobook, nor my excitement over new Korean dramas,I know something is not right.

This are things I love to do, yet I am not keen to do it.

I wondered if it's because of Facebook and Polyvore, it's not as well. I haven't had much inspiring sets on Polyvore lately. As for Facebook I'm just whacking people...

No time? Can't be. I've not been working after hours recently.

Maybe it's the after-effects after my role change in August.

I struggled the past couple of months - to adjust to my new role, to give my support to the team, to manage the workload, the team's morale, the management's expectations etc etc

Till now, I still could not find the meaning to my job. Where is that so-called "fulfillment" of being a manager? To train one and see them grow...I guess it's like nurturing a plant, or teaching a child. The results are not immediate and it is not 100% guaranteed.

Am I setting too high expectations on myself?

Or is it that I just don't care?

I'm so used to doing things my own way, and now I have to adhere to norms and be responsible for my own leadership and its impact to the team...and I come to realise this job, there are many things out of our control....

Maybe it's also due to the sudden realisation that there's so much that needs to be done, but I'm not taking action fast enough...

What about my aspirations outside work? I can't seem to find any right now...

I haven't been spending time with my boyfriend as well, as he's been exceptionally busy. He always say I'm the workaholic, but i think he's the real workaholic.

My job feels empty, my life feels empty too.

So what is life anyway?

My dear friend Mr. Frank quit his job a couple of months ago, and began his soul-searching journey. He asked himself " What is life?" When we last met him, he was still jobless but looked better. He did mention that he needs to look for a job again, but if he doesn't find a job by end of this year, "then I am life. Life becomes me"

It may sound meaningless and funny, but he has a point. What is life beyond working? Do I need to find out "What is life?" I don't think I'm quitting my job anytime soon as I need the $$, plus how to explain to my parents about this "soul-searching thing" - Oka-san probably tells me I don't pray enough - but I guess I need to seek inspiration, be it from Him or someone or something else.

I must get rid of that emptiness inside me, but how?

3 comments:

PurpleChopstick said...

I feel that way too loads of time....nothing a good girls-night-out can help to feel the void though!!

Kenneth said...

hey ....

i felt prickles all over my arms as i read your entry, because i'm feeling just that same void after being promoted.

i reckoned that i am not ready for the post, but everyone else tells me other wise.

the ... emptiness seems endless. i wished that i could help you with some experience, but i guess we're both in the same boat at the same time. :(

lilium said...

hi there..sigh..just hang on and hope things will improve over time.